Why I choose to be an optimistic agnostic

I am a hope­ful agnos­tic. I gen­uine­ly believe that any one of the numer­ous and diverse schools of thought on the top­ic of where we came from and why we are here could be absolute­ly correct.

I also believe it is pos­si­ble that they are all com­plete­ly wrong.

I believe it is pos­si­ble that divine, cre­ative beings of all kinds and sorts exist and have played a role (large or small) in our jour­ney through the universe.

I also believe they are not nec­es­sary. The uni­verse, as we know it, could exist with­out their reality.

In short, I love the idea of a high­er pow­er or pow­ers, and I am OK with the lack of them. I have spent my life in the world of sci­ence, which means that I have to be OK with not know­ing things as a cer­tain­ty. I have to accept that some ques­tions sim­ply don’t have attain­able answers.

In February, it will have been 33 years since I met my hus­band. Also as of next month, it will have been 27 years since we got mar­ried. We have fit togeth­er since the begin­ning. In that long (though it seems like only sec­onds) stretch of time, there have been numer­ous moments when I have felt a con­nec­tion between us that seems to tran­scend those years. Moments in which I feel like we knew each oth­er before and we were just pass­ing some time in this exis­tence until we ran into each oth­er again.

Some of you will read that and think, “God (or Allah, Christ, Brahma, Goddess, Yahweh, etc.) has brought them togeth­er.” Some of you will read that and think, “They must have met in a for­mer exis­tence.” Some of you will read it and think, “She has lost her dang mind!” 

The great part is that whether one of you is cor­rect or none of you are, it doesn’t mat­ter. Whether this is proof of some unseen force in the uni­verse or sim­ply the odd fir­ing of neu­rons in response to chem­i­cal reac­tions in my brain, I get to enjoy that bond and the bond I see in oth­ers around me with­out under­stand­ing why it exists.

During my time as a bed­side nurse, I was there as many indi­vid­u­als tran­si­tioned from this exis­tence to what­ev­er comes next. Some of those pass­ings were peace­ful, tran­quil events. Others were fright­en­ing and dif­fi­cult. Each of them was filled with a feel­ing of some­thing hap­pen­ing beyond my understanding.

What I mean to say is that in that moment, I sensed those indi­vid­u­als going away.

Some of you will read that and think, “She sensed the immor­tal soul leav­ing the body.” Some of you will read it and think, “She was hav­ing a nat­ur­al hor­mon­al reac­tion to the stres­sors of the envi­ron­ment.” Others will read it and think, “She has lost her dang mind!”

The great part is that whether one of you is cor­rect or none of you is, it doesn’t mat­ter. Whether it was “real” in the tan­gi­ble, repeat­able-in-a-sci­en­tif­ic-exper­i­ment way or my own mind pro­cess­ing death, I get to have that expe­ri­ence and that moment with those indi­vid­u­als with­out under­stand­ing why I felt it.

When I walk in the woods, when I lie out­side on the grass, when I climb a moun­tain, I feel myself filled with life and spir­it. It drains out of me when I am away from nature, and I only feel whole again when I have “recharged” in the great (or even small) out­doors. Touching liv­ing things, breath­ing in the air they are breath­ing, feel­ing the sun and moon touch me with light makes me feel alive and part of some­thing larger.

Some of you will read that and think, “She feels the pres­ence of God and his great cre­ation.” Some will read it and think, “She is in touch with the spir­its of the earth.” Some of you will read that and think, “She has lost her dang mind!”

Again, it doesn’t mat­ter if any of you are cor­rect or none of you are. Whether we are all tiny mov­ing parts in a giant exper­i­ment being run by super­nat­ur­al beings or sim­ply col­lec­tions of atoms spin­ning through the galaxy by ran­dom chance, I get to be moved by those moments and feed myself on them. It doesn’t mat­ter one bit that I don’t under­stand why they sus­tain me.

I think reli­gion and spir­i­tu­al­i­ty can be won­der­ful, pow­er­ful sources of peace and tran­quil­i­ty. They inspire peo­ple to be kind, to help oth­ers, to love. Why do so many peo­ple choose to let their beliefs be a source of anger, of sad­ness, of pain?

Embrace beliefs and a sense of the spir­i­tu­al and super­nat­ur­al if they bring you joy, hap­pi­ness, and con­tent­ment. Embrace them if they make you feel fed and nour­ished. Embrace beliefs if they bring love and light to your life. If they do not, if they cause you pain, if they bring hurt and sad­ness to your life, let them go. 

Or keep them. You get to choose.

I will con­tin­ue to choose my own brand of opti­mistic agnosticism.