We all care what others think — and that’s not a flaw

“I don’t care what oth­er peo­ple think!”

What an absurd notion. As social beings, we care deeply about what oth­ers think every minute of every day of our lives. That nev­er changes. What does change is how we pri­or­i­tize our efforts and con­cerns regard­ing how we are seen by oth­ers. Because that is what dic­tates every­thing about us and how we inter­act with the world.

If we want the world to think we are phys­i­cal­ly beau­ti­ful, we will spend time and ener­gy groom­ing our­selves and mod­i­fy­ing our appear­ances. If we want oth­ers to think we are smart, we will devote our­selves to learn­ing and demon­strat­ing our wis­dom and knowl­edge. If we want peo­ple around us to think we are great par­ents, we will focus our atten­tion on help­ing our chil­dren be amaz­ing lit­tle humans.

As we age, we often shift what we want those around us to val­i­date. The things we used to care immense­ly about may no longer be espe­cial­ly impor­tant to us. It might make us feel good to think that this means we no longer care what oth­ers think, but it sim­ply isn’t true. It just means that what we want oth­ers to val­i­date in us has shift­ed to oth­er things. 

For exam­ple, most of us were quite focused on “being pret­ty” in our youth. We prob­a­bly spent hours fix­ing our hair, choos­ing the per­fect out­fit, and acces­soriz­ing obses­sive­ly in our des­per­ate desire to be desirable. 

But as we grew old­er, we stopped car­ing so much about being desir­able and decid­ed to please our­selves. We chose com­fort and peace over liv­ing up to the stan­dards of beau­ty. But that doesn’t mean we stopped car­ing what oth­ers think. We just no longer care that they think we are pret­ty. We now care that they think oth­er things about us. 

Maybe those things are relat­ed to intel­li­gence, finance, or civic work. It doesn’t mat­ter what top­ic the focus has shift­ed to — there will always be things on which we desire the good opin­ion of oth­ers. This isn’t a weak­ness or a char­ac­ter flaw. It is part of being social crea­tures, going through this exis­tence together.

I want my hus­band to think I am attrac­tive. I don’t just want him to find my phys­i­cal appear­ance attrac­tive. I want him to find my behav­ior and per­son attrac­tive. For many years up to now and (hope­ful­ly) for many more, he will choose me every day. I nev­er want that choice to seem like an oblig­a­tion. I want to deserve his choice, every time he makes it.

I want my chil­dren to think I am respon­si­ble. So much of their lives has depend­ed on me, and I want them to believe that I am a faith­ful stew­ard of their futures. I want to deserve their trust.

I want my par­ents to think I am grate­ful. I have had a very charmed life, and that is entire­ly their doing. I want them to know that their efforts have been seen and felt. I want to deserve their sacrifices.

I want my cowork­ers and stu­dents to think I am pro­fes­sion­al. I want them to trust that I will do what is right and fair. I want them to think I work hard and pri­or­i­tize their needs appro­pri­ate­ly. I want to deserve their respect.

I want my friends to think I am loy­al. Not in a syco­phan­tic, tell‑you‑exactly‑what‑you‑want‑to‑hear way, but in an I‑have‑your‑back‑even‑if‑I‑think‑you‑are‑making‑a‑mistake way. I want to deserve their dedication.

I want those I work with in civic life to see me as depend­able and hon­est. I want them to trust that I will do what I say I will do. I want them to think well of my motives and trust that I am always doing my best, even when I fail epi­cal­ly. I want to deserve their confidence.

I want strangers to think I am cour­te­ous. I want their brief inter­ac­tions with me to be pos­i­tive and not a cause for stress or anx­i­ety. I want to deserve their regard.

You may pro­fess not to care what oth­ers think. I call bull$h!t. We all care what oth­ers think. Hopefully, that desire to earn their good opin­ions caus­es us to behave in admirable ways. If it doesn’t, maybe we are try­ing to please the wrong people.