At lunch with a friend today, she said that she associates only with “respectful” people. I am glad I made the cut, but it prompted me to unpack her feelings.
Our conversation was launched because we had just encountered a famous actress whom my friend knows. There were smiles shared and obligatory continental cheek kisses. There was circumstance without pomp, just happy greetings on the street.
“She’s such a nice person,” my friend said as we walked away, “she doesn’t surround herself with all that other stuff.”
We didn’t have to list off the constituents of “all that other stuff.” We knew without saying what typifies the dark side.
My friend’s earnestness about the chance meeting prompted a memory of Hagrid’s instructions to Harry Potter about how to approach the proud, mystical eagle-horse creature, Buckbeak — be polite, Hagrid insists. The alternative to not being gracious when encountering others can be disastrous, as young Malfoy learns:
That allegory is instructive. While there may be no scientific proof that karma is real, most people I encounter believe that what goes around comes around. The concept is as old as Job; his buddy Eliphaz insisted, “those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same.”
In my friend’s Portuguese, “gentileza gera gentileza.”
If we believe in the concept of karma and feel it in our hearts, why do we stray? It’s hard to perform an autopsy on our human fall from grace in 600 words, but we can recognize signposts. If you want to see more Malfoy examples, watch the evening news. I prefer to reflect on the positive.
We can start with kindness and end with boundaries. I believe a “one-stop” primer on kindness is “Hands,” the 30-year-old song by Jewel, here:
She intones “only kindness matters,” in her meaningful melody. It’s ironic that a song offering a soothing balm for these troubled times is sung by an artist who was recently blasted for singing at The Donald’s inauguration — an example of how beauty and best intentions can be fraught with pain in this angry age.
How do we hold both of those ideas simultaneously?
The answer may be in setting boundaries. Another friend told me last week about struggling with a difficult relationship. “I finally decided that the friendship would work only if I can simultaneously love myself and the other person.”
If I load that idea into the prism of seeking respect, I see what Jewel means when she sings, “my hands are small I know, but they are not yours, they are my own and I am never broken.” We must make choices for ourselves while balancing kindness for others, not letting ourselves be broken.
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The tension between those two realities makes life interesting, especially at this time when so many people are numb and/or angry. Many signals in today’s atmosphere are unambiguous. You quickly understand who deserves a hug and who needs distance. I frequently park myself at the arrivals area of our local airport. Myriad reunions there warm the heart.
It would be nice if we could embrace more people. Many soothsayers shout that we need to learn to talk to each other again. I don’t believe most people are so awash in their own bile that they’ve stopped saying “please” and “thank you,” and holding doors for strangers. More of that, please.
One “walk-on” song during the last presidential campaign was “You Get What You Give,” by the New Radicals. They sing, “you got the dreamers disease.”
Let’s hope.
