A common theme I see of late is that we need more [fill in the blank] to combat the horrible nature and behavior of people. We need more laws. We need more punishments. We need more prayer. We need more church.
While I would agree that there is something we need more of to combat the cruelty and selfishness of human behavior, I cannot agree with most people on what that “something” is. Because the answer isn’t bigger government. It isn’t stricter law enforcement. It isn’t harsher punishments. It isn’t more religion. (I would even contend that historically, each of these has done more to make the world a worse place to live, not a better one.)
The answer is simple: empathy.
When our children were little, my husband and I raised them with no religious beliefs and with a healthy level of skepticism when it comes to government involvement in the lives of citizens. We did raise them, however, with a strong emphasis on how our own choices impact others in both positive and negative ways. We raised them to understand that every decision we make sends ripples of impact out into the world around us. We should strive to make those ripples positive ones.
“It makes us feel better when we brighten someone else’s day. It warms our hearts to help others. It gives us peace and contentment to contribute to the world around us. But this only works when we have empathy.”
I won’t speak for my husband, but as for me, I did not want to raise small humans who follow traffic regulations because they fear getting a ticket. I wanted them to learn to follow traffic regulations because doing so keeps all of us safer and everyone—even a total stranger—deserves to arrive safely at their destination.
Our poor choices should not endanger another person on their way to wherever they are headed in this world. I wanted my children to respect things like rules and expectations at school and in public places, not because they fear being disciplined. I wanted them to do so because it helps everyone there have a better experience. Our poor choices should not cause another person to have a miserable day at school, the gym, the library, etc.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I did not want to raise individuals who are kind, tolerant, respectful, etc. because they fear some type of eternal agony and torture for not doing so. I did not want to raise children who behave well because they anticipate some type of eternal treat-filled paradise if they are “good.” I wanted them to see that treating others with kindness, compassion, tolerance, and respect makes the world a better place for every single one of us now, while we are living in it.
To make all of that a little simpler, I wanted them to be “good” because it feels good to do so, not because they were fearing a punishment or anticipating a reward. It makes us feel better when we brighten someone else’s day. It warms our hearts to help others. It gives us peace and contentment to contribute to the world around us. But this only works when we have empathy. When we are able to put ourselves in the proverbial shoes of another, it is almost impossible to behave with cruelty, with intolerance, with indifference. When we see the world through the lens of someone else’s experience and world view, it becomes painful to behave in ways that cause hurt and harm.
Take the lady on your street who pulled right out in front of you. In the heat of that moment, you are probably thinking very unkind things and calling her all sorts of colorful names. You may even decide that she deserves your loud horn blow and a pointed gesture or two. You may feel better after doing these things because you took revenge after a perceived slight.
But what if that lady pulled out in front of you because she was rushing to get to the hospital where a loved one lay dying? What if she was distracted because she had bills to pay and no money to pay them? What if she works the night shift but has to get to a parent-teacher conference and hasn’t slept since yesterday afternoon and isn’t on top of her driving game right now? If you knew this lady and knew her situation, would it be as easy to tear her apart? Would it feel good to treat her with cruelty and unkindness? Or is it possible that, with a tiny bit of empathy, you would find yourself letting it go with a shrug and maybe a groan (or if you are really a saint, a deep desire to find this lady and help her with her struggles) and just go on with your day?
I genuinely feel that this applies to the larger ills of the world, too.
Illegal immigration? Maybe take a moment and think about the horrible conditions from which many of these individuals are fleeing. Spend a few seconds thinking about what you would (or wouldn’t) do to protect your children from harm. To make a better life for them. To give them a chance to make their dreams come true.
Gang violence? Maybe ponder the very real need for youth in certain neighborhoods to have a group of allies in order to not be killed or have their families face violence. If your choices were to join in on lawless behavior or have yourself and your family become the targets of violence, what would you do? Would you take the moral high ground even if it meant you lost everyone you love?
Bigotry and racism? This one is super easy. All it takes is ridding yourself of the idea that people who are not like you are your enemies and somehow less than human. A tiny minute to see that they are all facing the same struggles as you and all want the same things. In other words, just a little empathy.
Homelessness? As an avid camper and backpacker, I cannot actually say that I believe no one would choose to live outside or in a tent all the time. But I do believe that it is highly unlikely that someone would choose to be unhoused if given the opportunity not to be. So, maybe take a minute to ponder that the median income for a person living in Kentucky is around $31,000 per year, while the median cost of a house is around $280,000. Consider the fact that to take out a mortgage for such a house, that person making $2,500 per month could have a mortgage payment of $1,700 (or a rent of $1,300 a month for a one-bedroom apartment). Ponder if you could make this work? What if you were also raising children? What if you had expensive medical conditions?
Empathy has so much power. It takes us out of a place of blame, of judgement, of vindictiveness and brings us to a place of compassion, of selflessness, of altruism. With a little empathy, we see the people around us (both near and very very far) for all that they are. We see their struggles and stressors. We see the barriers that may be keeping them from being their own best selves. We see that we might be making the very same choices if we were traveling this life in their shoes.
Never miss a thing with our FREE weekly newsletter.
One small drop of this amazing stuff and suddenly we realize that we can actually make things a little better for others. We see that doing so is exactly what makes all of it worthwhile.
Religion can’t do that unless the focus of organized religion shifts towards spreading kindness and helpfulness instead of divisiveness and intolerance. Religions often encourage compassion and tolerance, but only within their own congregations or larger institutions.
The government can’t do it either. All it can do is criminalize facing struggles. Add to that the fact that governments rely on the notion of “us vs. them” as a means to identify who the enemies are and win elections. Punishments won’t work. They will deter bad choices only as long as the alternatives aren’t just as terrible. People are often willing to face punishment or the risk of it in order to do what they need to do.
What the world needs now (sorry to contradict you, Jackie DeShannon) … is more empathy!
