July 3, 2023. Ava and Henry shopped Fourth supplies. They bought baguettes, cheese, and wine at Le Matin; salamis, cornichons, and sparkling water at Lucci’s.
As they packed the groceries into bicycle baskets, Cordelia cardinal fluttered down onto Henry’s handlebars and said, “Greetings, Gates! Need an opiate?”
“What are you dithering about?” said Henry.
“Indulge me!” Cordelia sang and raised her beak skyward.
Where a jaunty candy apple red and ivy green sports saucer whirled. Not and then there so instantly everyone was caught by surprise. A few people fled into buildings. Everyone else stood mesmerized, not knowing if they believed what they saw.
The saucer settled on Lucci’s sidewalk, a hatch opened at the bottom, and out dropped a silver, spaceship-shaped Kenmore Atomic Age canister vacuum cleaner. Humming Row-Row-Row Your Boat it rolled past Ava and Henry with a salute. Cordelia waved back. Kravino Lubos, the apiarist, got a pat on his back.
The canister rolled across the intersection to the opposite corner. There the VIPERs (Viciously Insistent Proselytizers of Epitomal Religiosity), a local chapter of the IBT (International Brotherhood of Torquemada) congregated after their monthly lunch at which they bloviated and stiffed their waitresses (whom VIPERs suspected were wanton, lesbians, or cross-dressers). The canister stopped alongside them, and with a sound like a flock of ducks quacking vacuumed them up. It pivoted and returned to the saucer.
The saucer blinked a few times and began to spin, first slow, then fast. As it did, an elf appeared by Henry’s handlebars and handed Cordelia a tiny plum-colored thumb drive.
“Here’s the video,” the elf said. “Man, you were right, Cordelia. We locked onto their Naughty vibe at 88 N Lat. Naughty! But they’re now, as directors say, in the can.”
“Nice,” said Henry.
“But what happened to them?” Ava asked.
“That canister’s a Tardis for Solipsists. A Spacio-Temporal continuüm narrow enough for only their thoughts to be true. They’re quite comfortable.”
“It’s what they’ve always wanted,” Cordelia chirped.
The elf chuckled, “It was Cordelia’s idea.” He handed her a small paper.
“What’s this?” Cordelia cheeped. “A bill?”
“It’s a Smart Cookie commendation from The Chief,” said the elf. “You are a Smart Cookie, Cordelia.”
She spread her wings a little and bobbed a cardinal curtsy.
“But why the quacking sound?” Henry asked.
The elf gave Cordelia a quizzical look. “That’s what you said. Ducks in the wind, right?”
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Cordelia sighed. “Dust. Dust in the wind. That’s all they are. But, hey, I ain’t quibblin’ about a couple consonants.”
“If you got problems with the service, call The Boss.” said the elf. He gave them a wink and tapped a forefinger alongside his nose.
Elf, contraption, and saucer whirled away.
Ava and Henry pedaled home.
Cordelia’s at large.
