Humor: Engineer jokes!

The com­pa­ny was hav­ing trou­ble with one of its major machines, and all the staff could not fig­ure out what the prob­lem was.  “Call Henry,” advised one.  “Even though he’s retired, he prob­a­bly can fix it or tell us what’s wrong with it.”

Henry was quick­ly called in.  He exam­ined the machine, focused on one par­tic­u­lar part and placed a chalk mark on it.  “This is where your prob­lem is,” he report­ed.  The part was replaced and the machine worked per­fect­ly again.  Shortly after­ward, the com­pa­ny received a bill from Henry for $50,000, where­upon they demand­ed an item­ized account­ing of his charges.  Henry respond­ed briefly: One chalk mark — $1.00.  Knowing where to put it — $49,999.  It was paid in full, and Henry retired in peace.

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What is the dif­fer­ence between mechan­i­cal engi­neers and civ­il engi­neers?  Mechanical engi­neers build weapons; civ­il engi­neers build targets.

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Three engi­neer­ing stu­dents were gath­ered togeth­er dis­cussing the pos­si­ble design­ers of the human body.  One said, “It was a mechan­i­cal engi­neer; just look at all the joints and the great way they work togeth­er.”  Another said, “No, it was an elec­tri­cal engi­neer because of the mar­velous way the ner­vous sys­tem func­tions.”  The last stu­dent said, “Actually, it was a civ­il engi­neer.  Who else would run a tox­ic waste pipeline through a recre­ation­al area?”

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Normal peo­ple believe if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough fea­tures yet. [This espe­cial­ly applies to soft­ware engi­neers. —Ed]

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An archi­tect, an artist, and an engi­neer were dis­cussing whether it was bet­ter to spend time with the wife or the mis­tress.  The archi­tect said he enjoyed time with his wife, build­ing a sol­id foun­da­tion for an endur­ing rela­tion­ship.  The artist said he enjoyed time with his mis­tress because of the pas­sion and mys­tery he found there.  The engi­neer said, “I like both.” 

“Both?” 

Engineer: “Yeah, if you have a wife and a mis­tress, they will each assume you are spend­ing time with the oth­er woman so you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

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An engi­neer was cross­ing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beau­ti­ful princess.”  The engi­neer bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pock­et.  The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beau­ti­ful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”  The engi­neer took the frog out of his pock­et, smiled at it, and returned it to his pock­et.  The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do any­thing you want.”  Again, the engi­neer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. 

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the mat­ter?  I’ve told you I’m a beau­ti­ful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week, and do any­thing you want.  Why won’t you kiss me?” 

The engi­neer replied, “Look, I’m an engi­neer.  I don’t have time for a girl­friend, but a talk­ing frog is way cool.”

😂😂😂

Two engi­neer­ing stu­dents were walk­ing across cam­pus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”  The sec­ond engi­neer replied, “Well, I was walk­ing along yes­ter­day mind­ing my own busi­ness when a beau­ti­ful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” 

The sec­ond engi­neer nod­ded approv­ing­ly, “Good choice, the clothes prob­a­bly wouldn’t have fit.”

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To the opti­mist, the glass is half full.  To the pes­simist, the glass is half emp­ty.  To the engi­neer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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A pas­tor, a doc­tor, and an engi­neer were wait­ing one morn­ing for a par­tic­u­lar­ly slow group of golfers.  The engi­neer fumed, “What’s with these guys?  We must have been wait­ing for 15 min­utes!”  The doc­tor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve nev­er seen such inep­ti­tude!”  The pas­tor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keep­er.  Let’s have a word with him.” 

“Hi, George.  Say, what’s with that group ahead of us?  They’re rather slow, aren’t they?  The greens keep­er replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire­fight­ers.  They lost their sight sav­ing our club­house from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” 

The group was silent for a moment.  The pas­tor said, “That’s so sad.  I think I’ll say a spe­cial prayer for them tonight.  The doc­tor said, “Good idea.  And I’m going to con­tact my oph­thal­mol­o­gist bud­dy and see if there’s any­thing he can do for them.” 

The engi­neer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”